Soapbox Saturday: SHOPPING CARTS FLASHBACK!!!

*In honor of my tenth Soapbox Saturday, I have decided to Repost one of my favorites: My first one. Many of you reading this now were not readers of this blog back then. So I present my first Soapbox Saturday!

The repost also may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I was out late tonight and have to work early tomorrow. Just saying…*

Did you know…?

• Shopping carts were invented in 1937 by the owner of the Piggly-Wiggly.

• Nobody wanted to use shopping carts at first, so the maker hired male and female models to push them around his store to show people how to use them.

• Shopping carts are the third-germest things around, right behind playgrounds and public transportation.

• There is a 33-foot Christmas tree made out of eighty-six shopping carts made in 2007 that stands every year in the Edgemar Mall in Santa Monica, CA.

• Shopping carts will be the cause of my first gray hair.

I’ve driving up and down the aisles at Walmart, trying to find a parking spot. This is a hard task on any given weekend, and darn near impossible when the snowbirds come back. I live in South Florida. Between October and April stores no longer belong to those of us who live here year-round…we have to take shuttles to get to our stores because the snowbirds – winter residents from up north – have taken every parking spot made! You can actually spend a whole afternoon driving around the parking lots playing license plate bingo. So when I’m driving down the aisle and I see a spot up towards the front that’s open, my heart wants to sing. But my brain knows better. My brain knows there’s a reason that spot is open that has nothing to do with fate or the kindness of others to let me have the spot. As I pull up to it, my brain is vindicated.

IT’S FULL OF SHOPPING CARTS!!!

Oh. My. Gosh. This has got to be one of my BIGGEST pet peeves EVER!! And I know I’m not alone in this. If you’re going to bring a shopping cart out of the store, take responsibility for it! When you’re done unloading, put it in the freakin’ cart corral! Now, I know this might mean having to take a few extra steps between your car and the nearest corral, but since most of America is obese anyways, can’t we all use a little exercise?

Now, I know there are some extenuating circumstances that may prevent you from putting your shopping cart where it belongs. Small children and sprained ankles are understandable. A pouring rain may also be forgiven. If that’s the case, though, at least have the courtesy to put it somewhere where it’s out of the way and not blocking a perfectly good parking space! And it seems like when one shopping cart is left in a space, people feel like it’s lonely, so they have to add THEIR carts to make it look like a cart party! Oh, OH…the absolute worst? When the cart is sitting in the middle of the parking space RIGHT NEXT TO THE CART CORRAL!!!! There is absolutely NO excuse for that! I thought we had hit the apex of laziness when they invented those little machines that you could stick lollipops in that would turn the lollipop for you whille it was in your mouth. Well, I’m placing leaving your cart in your parking spot right next to the cart corral up towards that apex!

Oh, FYI…just because someone is paid to go out and collect carts doesn’t mean you have any right to make their job harder by leaving the carts wherever the heck you want to! It’s called responsibility. Take it.

I have been known to walk three aisles to get to the closest cart corral to put my cart away. I don’t do this because I want someone to notice or I want some sort of praise. I do this because I firmly believe and do all I can to live what has been my life motto since I was a teenager: Be the change you want to see in this world. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s actions. I WILL be held responsible for my own. So I do what I can to make sure things on in the right. I would appreciate it if those of you who heartlessly abandon your carts in the middle of amazing parking spots (and even the not-so-amazing ones, because even parking spots deserve love) would try to do the same.

**This has been a Soapbox Saturday message. The intent of a Soapbox Saturday message is not to offend  or retaliate. It is meant as a light-hearted attempt at airing what ails you. If you would like to have your own Soapbox Saturday featured, email it to livelikethat11930@gmail.com. Remember Soapbox Saturdays are for entertainment and must not include cursing, crude, derogatory, or malicious content. **

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Tuesday Tickles: You know what they say about assuming…

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

“In 1952.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then asked, “What did you teach?”

Soapbox Saturday: SOOOO ANNOYING!!!

25 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME

1. Whining

2. Victim mentality

3. People who pass in the right lane

4. Ignorance

5. Taking the Bible out of context

6. Inanimate objects being stupid

7. Parents who don’t discipline their children

8. Sweating outside in December

9. Gas prices

10. Writer’s block

11. People who slow to a crawl to make easy turns

12. Gilbert Gottfried

13. Sales items where you only get the sale price if you buy exact quantity

14. Using “text language”…even in a text (exceptions: “lol” and “omg”

15. Having fifty exceptions to a rule

16. Running out of toilet paper

17. People who drive down the wrong way in angled parking aisles

18. Ren and Stimpy

19. Democrats

20. Distance

21. Anything uneven

22. Bad grammar

23. Republicans

24. Different prices for cash and credit at gas stations

25. People who will annoy me with the things mentioned above

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday Tickles: Dueling Diaries

The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Imbeciles!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …

Soapbox Saturday: THE GATES!!!!

Instead of hearing me rant today, I thought you might enjoy a hilarious rant in musical form. Da Vinci’s Notebook wrote a parody of the traditional folk song The Fox. I share it with you now, for the frustration is one we’ve all felt at one time or another. I mean, who hasn’t sat at the computer at least once, had something go wrong, lose your data, and feel like Bill Gates had to pay? Enjoy your frustration put to words and acted out in a video done by students for an assignment at film school. Lyrics found under video.

The Gates – Da Vinci’s Notebook

Workin’ on a laptop, close to the end
of a job I’ve been doing since half past ten
I don’t believe that it’s frozen again,
the system has gone down-o, down-o, down-o;
I don’t believe that it’s frozen again,
the system has gone down-O.

So I took it down to the help desk guy,
and I said “make it better or I’m gonna cry.”
He said, “I’m sorry, your computer has died,
and the data can no longer be found-o, found-o, found-o.”
He said, “I’m sorry your computer has died,
the data can no longer be found-O.”

To the roof with the laptop I did go
over to the edge and I gave it a throw,
and when it arrived seven stories below
it really made a mighty fine sound-o, sound-o, sound-o,
and when it arrived seven stories below,
it really made a mighty fine sound-O.

Well, that didn’t do enough to ease my pain
so I went down to Dulles and I got on a plane
Sayin’ “This is all Billy Gates’s fault,
and I’m gonna be trackin’ him down-o, down-o, down-o.”
Sayin’ “This is all Billy Gates’s fault,
and I’m gonna be trackin’ him down-O.”

Touched down in Seattle and got off the plane
Hit Starbucks to get out of the rain
Paid all of my dough for a thimble of joe
full o’ foam and the cinnamon brown-o, brown-o, brown-o,
Paid all of my dough for a thimble of joe
full o’ foam and the cinnamon brown-O.

When the Gates found out about my plan
he packed up his bag, turned tail and ran
Megalo-man took it out on the lam
and hid way underground-o, ground-o, ground-o.
Megalo-man took it out on the lam
and hid way underground-O.

Well the Gates been a-runnin’ ever since that day,
he thinks he can hide but he can’t get away.
When I finally find his little skinny behind
Gonna kick it all over this town-o, town-o, town-o.
When I finally find his little skinny behind
Gonna kick it all over this town.

Faith Friday: Jesus Is…Tea?

**Haha! Ok, disclaimer: I was working on a ministry projeçt all evening, and had to wrap it up a little after midnight, which is when I remembered I hadn’t written my blog post. I found a post I wrote in 2007 that made me laugh AND think. So since I have so many more people in my life and facebook now that wouldn’t have read this back then, I share it with you now. Enjoy!**

Okay, so first off, I have a confession. I am in love. With whom, you may ask? Well, not so much with a whom (though Jesus would certainly take that spot), but a what. I am in love with my thermos. My beautiful thermos. I have never owned a thermos before. However, it was a last year Christmas present from my friend Josh. I don’t know what I did before I had it. Unfortunately, I never realized the full potential of a thermos until this past week. It’s incredible! I made and filled it with tea at 6am yesterday morning, and by 1pm the tea was still hot and awesome!!!!! It’s so freakin’ cool!

Um, yeah, so…I love my thermos. And because I love my thermos, I was thinking about it on the way to school today (how absolutely pathetic is that? I need to get a man…). And I came up with the coolest analogy. Hold on to your pants, this could blow you away. And all you coffee lovers out there, my profoundest apologies for what I am about to say.

This thermos used to be Josh’s. Josh is a coffee drinker, for the most part (thermos-wise). So when it was given to me, it had the smell of coffee, and the first time I put tea in it, it made my tea taste like coffee. I do not like coffee. Not at all. But I thought the thermos was so cool I would suck it up and keep using it. So I did. And I’m finding that, the more I use it for tea, the less it’s starting to taste and smell like coffee. Eventually (and I think I’m at that point pretty much), the coffee taste will be gone completely. So here’s my parallel:

We are the thermos. The coffee smell/taste is our sin. When we come to God, we are yucky with sin, just as, when the thermos was passed to me, it was yucky with coffee. However, the more Jesus gets poured into us, and stays in us, the more the yucky stuff goes away, and we start “smelling and tasting” more like Jesus. Jesus is the tea, washing the yucky coffee stuff away. Eventually, we’re going to be so full of Jesus, the yucky sin will be gone forever. Yay!

So that’s my analogy! I hope it gave you a smile. 🙂 I know it did me. Considering I just paid $50 in gas that didn’t even fill my car, and dropped a very special earring down the sink this morning, which I’m never going to see again, this thought was a highlight in my day. I hope you can say the same, even if you are a coffee lover (in the drink sense, of course…not the analogy sense…). Love y’all, and God bless!!

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Tuesday Tickles #3: Of Clarity and Toilets

THE WAYSIDE CHAPEL

Background:

An English Lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any. He took her to see several rooms and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make final preparations to move.

When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a bathroom around the place. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a “W.C.” (being too bashful to write out the words “water closet”) around. The schoolmaster was a very poor student of english, so he asked the parish priest if he could help him in the matter. Together they tried to discover the meaning of the letters “W.C.”, seeing as they spoke a different language, and the only solution they could find for the letters was a “Wayside Chapel”. The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the very startled English Lady:

Dear Madam:

I take great pleasure in informing you that the “W.C.” is situated nine miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only.

As there are a great number of people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no doubt, be glad to hear that a good number bring their own lunch and make a day of it. While others, who can afford to go by car, arrive just in time.

I would especially recommend your Ladyship to go on Thursday when there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent, and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the “W.C.” and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.

The newest section is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all since the people feel that it is a long felt need. My wife is rather delicate so she can’t attend regularly. It is almost a year since she went last. Naturally, it pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders.

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,

Sincerely yours,
The Schoolmaster

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: For the sake of yourself, others, and your disgestive system, be sure to to make your message clear! Too many times we get caught caught up in situations or problems that resembles a game of telephone gone very badly awry. What a much clearer world this would be, built on foundations of truth and humbleness, if we said what we meant and meant what we say! Communication is always the key. It may be difficult to turn sometimes, but it opens far more doors than it locks.

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Soapbox Saturday #7: WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY, WALMART??

I confess: I’m a Walmartian. I love going into Walmart. And not just because when I go in there, I’m bound to see people I know. In fact, when I was in youth group, we used to go to Walmart to hang out. One, because there really wasn’t much else to do in Stuart on any given night, and two, we always saw other people there to hang out with. We used to pile eight of us (yes, teenagers) on the little carosel out front. We’d have people sitting on the horses, others hanging off the poles, put in a quarter, and it was RIDE ‘EM, COWBOY!! There was one time it was broke (we did NOT break it!), but we got on anyways and moved it with our feet. So Walmart holds some great memories for me.

I love the deals. I love some of the people I see. I love standing in the store on Black Friday and watching chaos ensue. I love that I can get practically everything I need, and a LOT of crap I don’t need, in one place.

BUT…there is one thing I can’t stand, and I’m calling you out on it, Walmart…

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LOAD THE FAT PEOPLE SECTION WITH SKINNY PEOPLE CLOTHES ON CLEARANCE?????

I mean, seriously! It’s not like we fat people have to be reminded of what we can’t have. We realize it every time we see you charge us more for a t-shirt than the same cut two sizes down. But do you have to load all the skinny people stuff within arm’s length of my clothes? Especially when you make really cute clothes for skinny people, and give fat people just lots of cloth in a variety of boring styles. Did it ever occur to you that maybe fat people might want to look cute and sexy sometimes, too? I mean, I’m not talking about having rolls hanging out all over the place, because NOBODY wants to see that, but is a little style too much to ask?

Oh, OH, and when you mix the clothes on the rack…you make me want to upend the whole rack and watch the clothes fly everywhere! There is nothing more frustrating during clothes-shopping than to be looking through a rack, get all excited because you see a really cute shirt, then pick it up only to realize it might have fit you IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! What is with that?!?!

Fat people are shopping in your stores, Walmart. In fact, for those of us fat people who are also first-world poor, you’re pretty much our only option for new clothes, cause who can afford those specialty stores?? So cut us a break, please! Stop making us feel awful for what we can’t have, and give us some dignity!

I want cute clothes that will fit nicely and not cost me my firstborn (I’ve got to save my firstborn for gas money at this rate), and I want to find said cute clothes WITHOUT HAVING TO RIFLE OR EVEN SEE SKINNY PEOPLE CLOTHES!! Keep the fat people’s section just that!!

THE BALL’S IN YOUR COURT, WALMART!!

**This has been a Soapbox Saturday message. The intent of a Soapbox Saturday message is not to offend  or retaliate. It is meant as a light-hearted attempt at airing what ails you. If you would like to have your own Soapbox Saturday featured, email it to livelikethat11930@gmail.com. Remember Soapbox Saturdays are for entertainment and must not include cursing, crude, derogatory, or malicious content. **

Tuesday Tickles #2 – “I’ll never let you go, Jack!” *glug, glug, glug*

I’ve been hearing a lot about the movie Titanic lately. Not the educational Titanic, either. Everyone left the educational part back in April with the 100-year anniversary of the sinking. No, I mean the Leo and Kate one. The first three-hour movie (and not the most enjoyable…LotR wins that award) I ever sat through.

The day was December 25, 1997. Yes. Christmas Day. I watched a movie about one of the greatest maritimes tragedies ever on Christmas Day. The only reason I ended up in the theatre was because my sister had been running around outside barefoot (remember…we live in Florida…we can do that) and stepped on a broken metal pipe, gouging her foot and necessitating a trip to the emergency room. I love my sister dearly, but I didn’t want to spend Christmas in the ER. So myself, my friend Liz, her boyfriend (now husband) Adrian, and his brother Alex went to take in the blockbuster spectacular.

Oh, my word. The first hour and a half was fine, though it included the absolutely scandelous *gasp* sketching scene. After the iceburg, though, it was all downhill from there – figuratively and kinda literally. Liz and I spent the last hour and a half bawling while the boys were laughing. Their biggest laugh? THUD. If you’ve seen the movie, you know EXACTLY what part I’m talking about! I was doing ok until it got to the part where the people in the lower part knew they were going to die, so the mother tucked the children in and the old couple held each other. Oh, was I a mess. Then, as the heartfelt “I’ll never let you go, Jack!” as they’re both clinging to wreckage, and Jack sinking into the depths a frozen Jack-sicle. For months after, I could not hear the song My Heart Will Go On without bursting into tears.

Maybe I’m too sensitive, I don’t know. I know I do have a very empathetic spirit, so the pain of the people on the screen, knowing it represented the pain and fear of an actual event, tore at me deeply.

But I’m over it now. Kinda. It’s been fifteen years, and I still have never watched the boat sink again. I can watch up that point. I don’t think I’ll ever watch it again.

So all that to lead up to the funny part. In honor of the re-release, fifteenth anniversary of the blockbuster hit Titanic, I leave you this.

You’re welcome.

Enjoy your Tuesday, everyone!

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