Soapbox Saturday: Ode to the Presidential Elections

My favorite show comes on the air
I’ve waited all week for this!
I settle on the sofa, eagerly await
Then let loose a long, evil hiss

It’s that face! It’s that ad!
Why won’t it just go away?
Don’t you know when you talk smack
I don’t care what you have to say?

I’m sick of Obama! I’m sick of Romney!
I’m sick of this whole mess!
I’m quite ready to blow up my TV
I really must confess.

But no! It’s not just the TV
That harbors these annoying faces
On every website they can be seen
Fouling up the best of places

On my facebook. On my email.
On my Weather Underground.
On Yahoo and youtube, tcpalm too
These smear campaigns can be found

I wish I could know this will all stop
When Nov 6 finally rolls around
But alas, it’s only just beginning
Either way, we’re going down

Because it’s not solely on the President
To bring our country up to par
It falls on each of us to do our part
But face it, our laziness has gone too far

Welcome to the new normal, I say
Obama or Romney ain’t changing a thing
Because it’s our people that won’t step up
And it’s our own necks we wring

So as this election draws ever so near
Remember it’s our own conscience we have to fare
And because I want to sleep at night
I’m voting for Stephen Colbert!

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Soapbox Saturday: TURN THAT RACKET DOWN!!

I’m driving down the road. It’s a nice, breezy day. I’ve got my window down, music nicely coming through the speakers, everything’s very casual. I stop at a stoplight. Then…I hear it before I see it.

BOOM BOOM BOOM

That loud metallic rattling like something is trapped and trying to get out of a car’s trunk. Then this car with kids hanging out of it pulls up with music you can hear (and feel!) within a one-tenth mile radius! I roll my eyes, clench my teeth, and mutter how annoying it is that their NOISE is ruining MY calm afternoon.

I turn to glare at the kid driving, thinking that maybe my disapproving look will make them want to turn off their pollution and turn on my calming music. The kid driving turns to look at me. Our eyes meet.

The kid is me, fifteen years ago.

CRAP!!!

Soapbox Saturday: Campfire Smoke!

I am thirty-two years old. I am way too young to forget the things I forget.

Like blogging.

Church campout last night at the Okeechobee KOA. Awesome fun. However, it’s been medically proven* that campfire smoke causes temporary memory loss. Therefore, it stands to reason that it is the fault of the campfire smoke that I missed blogging this morning.

The dangers of campfire smoke need to be better advertised, so people don’t fall into the same trap I did. If you experience any of the following, be warned: you may be the victim of campfire smoke!!

-a desire to sing Kumbye-ya
-smore breath
-prehistoric urges to spear and cook random things
-occasional watery eyes
-onset of a catatonic stare
-rapid changes in temperature:cold back/warm front
-forgetfulness
-Ummm…

I hope the severeness of my condition will he a warning to all of you on the dangers of campfire smoke. Be watching for the infomercial ads for my new product, SmokeSmote, the surefire way to enjoy a campfire without all the pesky smoke! Only three payments of $27.48 plus shipping and handling. Order now and I’ll double…no, TRIPLE your order! SmokeSmote – don’t sit by a campfire without it!!

*No, it hasn’t. I’m just a bum.

Soapbox Saturday: SHOPPING CARTS FLASHBACK!!!

*In honor of my tenth Soapbox Saturday, I have decided to Repost one of my favorites: My first one. Many of you reading this now were not readers of this blog back then. So I present my first Soapbox Saturday!

The repost also may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I was out late tonight and have to work early tomorrow. Just saying…*

Did you know…?

    • Shopping carts were invented in 1937 by the owner of the Piggly-Wiggly.
    • Nobody wanted to use shopping carts at first, so the maker hired male and female models to push them around his store to show people how to use them.
    • Shopping carts are the third-germest things around, right behind playgrounds and public transportation.
    • There is a 33-foot Christmas tree made out of eighty-six shopping carts made in 2007 that stands every year in the Edgemar Mall in Santa Monica, CA.
    • Shopping carts will be the cause of my first gray hair.

    I’ve driving up and down the aisles at Walmart, trying to find a parking spot. This is a hard task on any given weekend, and darn near impossible when the snowbirds come back. I live in South Florida. Between October and April stores no longer belong to those of us who live here year-round…we have to take shuttles to get to our stores because the snowbirds – winter residents from up north – have taken every parking spot made! You can actually spend a whole afternoon driving around the parking lots playing license plate bingo. So when I’m driving down the aisle and I see a spot up towards the front that’s open, my heart wants to sing. But my brain knows better. My brain knows there’s a reason that spot is open that has nothing to do with fate or the kindness of others to let me have the spot. As I pull up to it, my brain is vindicated.

    IT’S FULL OF SHOPPING CARTS!!!

    Oh. My. Gosh. This has got to be one of my BIGGEST pet peeves EVER!! And I know I’m not alone in this. If you’re going to bring a shopping cart out of the store, take responsibility for it! When you’re done unloading, put it in the freakin’ cart corral! Now, I know this might mean having to take a few extra steps between your car and the nearest corral, but since most of America is obese anyways, can’t we all use a little exercise?

    Now, I know there are some extenuating circumstances that may prevent you from putting your shopping cart where it belongs. Small children and sprained ankles are understandable. A pouring rain may also be forgiven. If that’s the case, though, at least have the courtesy to put it somewhere where it’s out of the way and not blocking a perfectly good parking space! And it seems like when one shopping cart is left in a space, people feel like it’s lonely, so they have to add THEIR carts to make it look like a cart party! Oh, OH…the absolute worst? When the cart is sitting in the middle of the parking space RIGHT NEXT TO THE CART CORRAL!!!! There is absolutely NO excuse for that! I thought we had hit the apex of laziness when they invented those little machines that you could stick lollipops in that would turn the lollipop for you whille it was in your mouth. Well, I’m placing leaving your cart in your parking spot right next to the cart corral up towards that apex!

    Oh, FYI…just because someone is paid to go out and collect carts doesn’t mean you have any right to make their job harder by leaving the carts wherever the heck you want to! It’s called responsibility. Take it.

    I have been known to walk three aisles to get to the closest cart corral to put my cart away. I don’t do this because I want someone to notice or I want some sort of praise. I do this because I firmly believe and do all I can to live what has been my life motto since I was a teenager: Be the change you want to see in this world. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s actions. I WILL be held responsible for my own. So I do what I can to make sure things on in the right. I would appreciate it if those of you who heartlessly abandon your carts in the middle of amazing parking spots (and even the not-so-amazing ones, because even parking spots deserve love) would try to do the same.

    **This has been a Soapbox Saturday message. The intent of a Soapbox Saturday message is not to offend  or retaliate. It is meant as a light-hearted attempt at airing what ails you. If you would like to have your own Soapbox Saturday featured, email it to livelikethat11930@gmail.com. Remember Soapbox Saturdays are for entertainment and must not include cursing, crude, derogatory, or malicious content. **

    LOBLA

    Soapbox Saturday: SOOOO ANNOYING!!!

    25 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME

    1. Whining

    2. Victim mentality

    3. People who pass in the right lane

    4. Ignorance

    5. Taking the Bible out of context

    6. Inanimate objects being stupid

    7. Parents who don’t discipline their children

    8. Sweating outside in December

    9. Gas prices

    10. Writer’s block

    11. People who slow to a crawl to make easy turns

    12. Gilbert Gottfried

    13. Sales items where you only get the sale price if you buy exact quantity

    14. Using “text language”…even in a text (exceptions: “lol” and “omg”

    15. Having fifty exceptions to a rule

    16. Running out of toilet paper

    17. People who drive down the wrong way in angled parking aisles

    18. Ren and Stimpy

    19. Democrats

    20. Distance

    21. Anything uneven

    22. Bad grammar

    23. Republicans

    24. Different prices for cash and credit at gas stations

    25. People who will annoy me with the things mentioned above

    Soapbox Saturday: THE GATES!!!!

    Instead of hearing me rant today, I thought you might enjoy a hilarious rant in musical form. Da Vinci’s Notebook wrote a parody of the traditional folk song The Fox. I share it with you now, for the frustration is one we’ve all felt at one time or another. I mean, who hasn’t sat at the computer at least once, had something go wrong, lose your data, and feel like Bill Gates had to pay? Enjoy your frustration put to words and acted out in a video done by students for an assignment at film school. Lyrics found under video.

    The Gates – Da Vinci’s Notebook

    Workin’ on a laptop, close to the end
    of a job I’ve been doing since half past ten
    I don’t believe that it’s frozen again,
    the system has gone down-o, down-o, down-o;
    I don’t believe that it’s frozen again,
    the system has gone down-O.

    So I took it down to the help desk guy,
    and I said “make it better or I’m gonna cry.”
    He said, “I’m sorry, your computer has died,
    and the data can no longer be found-o, found-o, found-o.”
    He said, “I’m sorry your computer has died,
    the data can no longer be found-O.”

    To the roof with the laptop I did go
    over to the edge and I gave it a throw,
    and when it arrived seven stories below
    it really made a mighty fine sound-o, sound-o, sound-o,
    and when it arrived seven stories below,
    it really made a mighty fine sound-O.

    Well, that didn’t do enough to ease my pain
    so I went down to Dulles and I got on a plane
    Sayin’ “This is all Billy Gates’s fault,
    and I’m gonna be trackin’ him down-o, down-o, down-o.”
    Sayin’ “This is all Billy Gates’s fault,
    and I’m gonna be trackin’ him down-O.”

    Touched down in Seattle and got off the plane
    Hit Starbucks to get out of the rain
    Paid all of my dough for a thimble of joe
    full o’ foam and the cinnamon brown-o, brown-o, brown-o,
    Paid all of my dough for a thimble of joe
    full o’ foam and the cinnamon brown-O.

    When the Gates found out about my plan
    he packed up his bag, turned tail and ran
    Megalo-man took it out on the lam
    and hid way underground-o, ground-o, ground-o.
    Megalo-man took it out on the lam
    and hid way underground-O.

    Well the Gates been a-runnin’ ever since that day,
    he thinks he can hide but he can’t get away.
    When I finally find his little skinny behind
    Gonna kick it all over this town-o, town-o, town-o.
    When I finally find his little skinny behind
    Gonna kick it all over this town.

    Soapbox Saturday #7: WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY, WALMART??

    I confess: I’m a Walmartian. I love going into Walmart. And not just because when I go in there, I’m bound to see people I know. In fact, when I was in youth group, we used to go to Walmart to hang out. One, because there really wasn’t much else to do in Stuart on any given night, and two, we always saw other people there to hang out with. We used to pile eight of us (yes, teenagers) on the little carosel out front. We’d have people sitting on the horses, others hanging off the poles, put in a quarter, and it was RIDE ‘EM, COWBOY!! There was one time it was broke (we did NOT break it!), but we got on anyways and moved it with our feet. So Walmart holds some great memories for me.

    I love the deals. I love some of the people I see. I love standing in the store on Black Friday and watching chaos ensue. I love that I can get practically everything I need, and a LOT of crap I don’t need, in one place.

    BUT…there is one thing I can’t stand, and I’m calling you out on it, Walmart…

    WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LOAD THE FAT PEOPLE SECTION WITH SKINNY PEOPLE CLOTHES ON CLEARANCE?????

    I mean, seriously! It’s not like we fat people have to be reminded of what we can’t have. We realize it every time we see you charge us more for a t-shirt than the same cut two sizes down. But do you have to load all the skinny people stuff within arm’s length of my clothes? Especially when you make really cute clothes for skinny people, and give fat people just lots of cloth in a variety of boring styles. Did it ever occur to you that maybe fat people might want to look cute and sexy sometimes, too? I mean, I’m not talking about having rolls hanging out all over the place, because NOBODY wants to see that, but is a little style too much to ask?

    Oh, OH, and when you mix the clothes on the rack…you make me want to upend the whole rack and watch the clothes fly everywhere! There is nothing more frustrating during clothes-shopping than to be looking through a rack, get all excited because you see a really cute shirt, then pick it up only to realize it might have fit you IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! What is with that?!?!

    Fat people are shopping in your stores, Walmart. In fact, for those of us fat people who are also first-world poor, you’re pretty much our only option for new clothes, cause who can afford those specialty stores?? So cut us a break, please! Stop making us feel awful for what we can’t have, and give us some dignity!

    I want cute clothes that will fit nicely and not cost me my firstborn (I’ve got to save my firstborn for gas money at this rate), and I want to find said cute clothes WITHOUT HAVING TO RIFLE OR EVEN SEE SKINNY PEOPLE CLOTHES!! Keep the fat people’s section just that!!

    THE BALL’S IN YOUR COURT, WALMART!!

    **This has been a Soapbox Saturday message. The intent of a Soapbox Saturday message is not to offend  or retaliate. It is meant as a light-hearted attempt at airing what ails you. If you would like to have your own Soapbox Saturday featured, email it to livelikethat11930@gmail.com. Remember Soapbox Saturdays are for entertainment and must not include cursing, crude, derogatory, or malicious content. **