Musical Monday: My Immortal – Evanescence

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote, in his poem “In Memoriam”:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I sometimes wonder what Tennyson was smoking when he wrote that. I guess I’ve never known what it felt like to have never loved at all, so I’ll never know if it’s true. I have, however, loved and lost. So maybe anything is better than that, including never having loved at all.

I’ve gone through phases during the past six and a half years of my life. The phases have grown fewer and last a shorter amount of time than they did long ago, but they’re still there. Maybe because not many people see this blog, I feel ok writing about it. And I know I’m not the only one who’s been dealt this blow, so that helps, too.

I don’t believe in the concept of “The One” in regards to finding a spouse. I believe there are different people one is compatible with during certain phases of their life, and when you’re both in the right phase at the right time, then Yay! But if not, all is not lost. Like the summer rain in Florida, just wait a few minutes. The sun will be out again. But if there really is only “the one”, then I’ve already found and lost him. That’s why I’m hoping it’s just a silly concept.

I’ve been what I thought was “in love” several times in my life. Who hasn’t, right? But true love…real love…the kind that seems to define your very existence. The love that makes you physically sick when you’re apart. The love that makes you wonder if you could survive without them in your life. The love real love songs about swimming oceans and climbing mountains and walking thousands of miles are written for. That love I’ve only found once. And I sometimes wonder if I ever will again.

It’s not a pretty tale. It’s actually a fairly devestating one, full of sadness and wrong choices and betrayal and rejection (from both sides) that I will not delve into. It has marked my life in many ways during the past twelve (yes, I said twelve) years. And even though he’s halfway across the world now, and I haven’t seen him in six years, I still don’t think I’m completely over it. He was selfish and I was stupid. He was (and crazily enough, still is) my closest friend in this world. But I am forever changed.

I still mourn what could have been. I’ve moved on, but never really all the way through. Sometimes I think I am permenantly damaged. I guess there’s no way to go through what we did and not be. And I still go through times when the sorrow is overwhelming and the pain is deep and the loss feels so fresh. Silly, I know, given the years and miles that have separated us. But the periods of sorrow, like I said, are getting fewer. Maybe one day I’ll be over it completely. But I’m just in one of those periods now.

I miss my best friend. I miss my soulmate. For that’s what we are. We have both acknowledged it. And when you are separated from your soulmate, it makes a profound impact on you. I am forever scarred. Most days the scar is pale and shallow. But there are a few days, a few times, like now, were the scar is deep and painful with no cause for reinjury. Just part of the damage I bear, I guess.

I will love again, I am sure. But for now,

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


Musical Monday: The One Thing – Paul Colman

This is a huge week for the United States. Quite possibly one of the most significant weeks of modern time. By the end of the day Tuesday, no matter the outcome, things are most likely going into upheaval. And looking at it today (Monday), there is no telling what direction we are going.

There are going to be a lot of questions, a lot of fears, and, unfortunately, a lot of anger towards the eventual outcome. I confess I myself am a little unnerved.

Times like this can cause us to question many things. We question the integrity of our leaders. Are they making the right choices? We question ourselves. Are WE making the right choices in who we vote for? What are the important issues? How do we truly feel about this issue or that issue? If so-and-so wins, what does that mean for me? For my family? My job? My country? All these questions are being asked by a nation weary of questioning.

There’s a lot I don’t know. There’s a lot, come Tuesday, that I am fearful for. I’ve questioned so much recently. So much, save one thing.

“The one thing I don’t question is You
You really love me like You say You do
So hold me”

Oh, Lord, there are so many things I am tempted to question. So many things uncertain towards the future. I fear for my country and the road we are heading down, no matter the outcome of this vote. But I circle this promise, Lord, that is given in Your word:

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” -Hebrews 13:8

That’s not a campaign promise that vanishes as soon as victory is won. It’s not a guarantee until circumstances change. It doesn’t cease to be true whether I voted wrong or right. Of all the things I have to question right now, You, God, are not one of them. And I praise You for that. Thank You, Lord, for being our Rock, no matter Tuesday’s outcome. Thank You for being the one thing.

Musical Monday: Broken – Lifehouse

Can You see me?

I know I’m small.

A speck, really.

Just one of three billion other people on this planet, all demanding Your attention in one way or another.

I hope You can see me, though, cause I need You right now.

I know it may not look like it.

I’m not homeless; I have a wonderful house to live in.

I’m not starving; I have food in my cupboards and the ability to get more.

I’m not unemployed; I have a wonderful job that I enjoy.

I have a good car. Amazing friends. Incredible support. Money in the bank. A college education. More love than I think I deserve. Wonderful opportunities to serve You.

Yes. It may look like I don’t need You. But looks can be deceiving.

I wear a smile on my face. It’s because I really am happy. But I think there’s something wrong with my heart. It feels…broken.

Some people may think that means I love You less, or not as much as I should. That’s not true. I love You more than my very life. I’m not in danger of “losing my religion” or anything. No, that part’s ok.

The broken pieces of my heart feel…lonely. I know that sounds crazy, especially since I’m surrounded by such incredible people whom I love and who love me in return. But that’s the only way to describe the way I feel.

I’m surrounded by people, but still feel alone.

Is there a cure? I don’t know.

Why did it start? I don’t know.

How long will it last?

I don’t know.

There’s a lot I don’t know. But there is one thing. One thing I know for certain with all the broken pieces of my heart.

I’m hanging on to You.

So, God…can You see me?

Musical Monday: Busted Heart (Hold on to Me) – For King and Country

Broken. It’s a place we’ve all be in at one time or another. There’s varying degrees of brokenness. It ranges from a disappointing moment to a tragic circumstance to a life-altering event. It covers missteps, broken promises, betrayals, loss, death. Sometimes it’s our own choices. Sometimes things just happen without rhyme or reason. Then we are left broken.

Our hearts are so strong, yet so fragile. God knows this. He spends a good part of His Word telling us this. But, being the perfect Father and Lord that He is, He also tells us how we will come through and why we experience these things in the first place.

Some verses that have been on my heart recently:

Psalm 34:18
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 51:17
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-6
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.”

Isaiah 66:13a
“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you;”

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Matthew 5:4
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Romans 5:3-5
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

I know for myself, I am in a place of brokenness right now. Dreams I have been awaiting seem to be taking forever, and my heart is weary in the wait. I know so many who are living in this place with me, some along the same lines, others in so much more pain than I. And so we sit and wait.

If you also find yourself in the place of brokenness, take heart. There is no shame in being in this place. We all have to traverse it at one point or another. It’s how we grow. It’s how we show perseverance. And, once we’ve been through, it’s how we are able to bring comfort to others. Don’t despise the broken. Heal and grow stronger from it. And remember that God is the master fixer. His love heals all. The healing may leave scars, but they are nothing more or less than the beautiful testament of your survival of brokenness. Let Him hold on to you, and there is nothing – I repeat, nothing – you can’t walk through. It’s never easy. But it will be worth it somehow, someway, when it’s all said and done.

Musical Monday: If I Had a Million Dollars – BNL

Because we all need to dream sometimes about hitting that Jackpot…

What would YOU do if you had a million dollars?

My top ten, in no particular order (except the first):

1) Spread some between my church and various other ministries and families that are close to my heart.

2) Pay off my car, give it to my sister, then get a new one.

3) Fly to Russia to see my best friend whom I haven’t seen in six and a half years.

4) Pay off my student loans.

5) Gather my closest friends and family together for a cruise.

6) Hike the Appalachian Trail with no financial concerns.

7) Get a masters in education.

8) Buy a house in Maine.

9) Go see Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand.

10) Have a big steak at Outback…because I could finally afford it!

What would the Barenaked Ladies do? Take a listen and find out! Suddenly your dreams will sound normal!


Musical Monday: Christ Is Risen – Matt Mayer ft. David Bowden

If I could even begin to put into words the powerfulness of the mix of this song combined with the poetry of David Bowden, I still wouldn’t try. Thankfully, I’m saved by the fact that I can’t.

This is one of the most encouraging, most challenging, most heartbursting mixes I have ever heard. I saw it quite a while ago, then Dan Jackson brought it back to my attention a couple weeks ago. I listen to it almost daily, for it has the power to make me forget what is going on around me and simply to draw me into incredible worship of the one true God, our Risen Savior.

To death is no sting, to hell is no victory. We will rise up and sing, for we are the risen church! If you share nothing else, then share this. We are living in a world that is very quickly forgetting what it’s like to love and to live. Everywhere around us is nothing but pain and death and destruction. Max Lucado said, “Man must have something bigger to live for than death, or death takes man.” We were made to live for the greatest love of all, but we are losing our grip. And the saddest part? God never loosens His hold, so we have no one to blame but ourselves.

Please. Take nine minutes out of your day to listen to this. I guarantee you it will be worth it. Let it lead you into worship as you let the truth enfold you. For we are His bride, perfect in His eyes, only through His blood. It’s time, my friends, to start living like it.

The poem David Bowden recites in the middle is his own, found here: . I would recommend reading them after listening. The truth in his words in incredible.


Musical Monday #1: Even If (the Healing Doesn’t Come) – kutless

I caught the chorus of this song on the radio today and was instantly taken in by it. It is such a simple truth, but probably the hardest of us as humans to grasp with our whole heart. I think it’s harder for us as Christians to accept, because so many of us come into this relationship thinking that, when we accept Christ, our lives are going to be great and hunky-dory. We will, of course, have trouble, but we have God now, so He will save us from it all. And, unfortunately, our churches haven’t done a great job of telling us otherwise. They may touch on the ways life isn’t always fair, and we still have to trust God, but you’re more than likely to hear a sermon on “101 Ways God Will Make You Happy” rather than “Sometimes You Won’t Like What God Allows, But Here’s Why You Should Still Love Him.”

The hard reality of life is that it’s not always going to work out, even if you’re a Christian. The relationship isn’t always going to be restored. The baby isn’t always going to come. The forgiveness isn’t always going to be given. The job isn’t always going to happen. And the healing isn’t always going to touch. But whether things happen for good or for bad, we are to praise God regardless.

” Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come”

When I think of this concept, I am reminded of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abedego. Now you may wonder what a common children’s Bible story has to do with praising God even if it doesn’t work out. I mean, they were saved from that fiery furnace. It worked out for them. Well, it did. But there’s something that those three tell the king right before they’re thrown in that rarely ever gets mentioned. I think it may be one of the most important statements ever spoken when it comes to remaining faithful during trying times and their subsequent outcomes.

“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up. -Daniel 3:16-18

“But even if he doesn’t…” How many times do we beg God to make things right for us? We tell Him we’ll be more, do more, give more, if only He’ll do what we think we need Him to do. How often do we follow it with an “But if you don’t, Lord, still will I love and serve You”? I have a feeling it’s not nearly as often as we’d like to think.

Bad things are going to come our way. There’s no way to avoid this. But our reaction is completely within our control. It’s not going to be easy. Sometimes, especially when it comes to a death too soon or a healing that never came or something done to us that was seemingly unforgiveable, it will be the hardest thing to do, to look at God through our tears and say “Still will I love You.” But it will be the only path that brings true peace.

Even if the healing doesn’t come, God is good, His love is steadfast, and His arms are waiting for you. And they are big arms; He can take it all. Will you bring it?